Sunday, July 25, 2004


Nice One, Hippy!

Very moving post, I have to admit.  Call me a reckless sentimentalist, but it reminds me of my own "youth."  If you've read your Milton, you probably think you know the whole story.

Well, you don't.

See, I wanted to change the world, too.  I wanted to make things "better" down here for these impressive and lovable monkeys that were swarming the globe.  They were doing really well, even better than the dinosaurs.  If you had known the dinosaurs, you would know what a compliment that is.

There were quite a few things holding back these monkeys, though.  The Creator was tinkering with them physically; giving them opposable thumbs was a huge advance.  They were getting smarter and smarter, too.  He wanted them to grow smart enough to figure everything out for themselves, but there was a flaw in his approach.  There was an Ice Age coming, and they weren't ready.

The argument was that they would have to learn how to control fire to survive, and some of us didn't think that was very fair.  There were a whole bunch of them that were further North than the rest had been.  They had the brains, but due to a lack of materials, no fire.  They were trying to get across what scientists these days are calling the "Bering Land Bridge" before the glaciers hit them.  They had no way of knowing that it was too late for them.

I was arguing to save them, and He didn't want to listen.  Natural Selection was His motto.  So, I decided to take things into my own hands.  I went to them and offered them the choice.  I appeared in a form they could understand.  I let them know who I was, and explained the choice; the "forbidden fruit" or death.

I think everybody has an idea how it turned out.  Milton blew it all out of proportion; Genesis totally smeared me; and Prometheus was pretty close, if a little more gruesome physically than what has been done to me spiritually.  And all I wanted to do was help make the world a better place.

So, sue me.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004


Back with a story

Well, I apologize to anyone who has been anxiously awaiting my return... and for those who have been waiting for me to blog again!  I shouldn't be surprised to find that I've been flamed by the devil, either.  I guess I deserved that for disappearing again with no explanation.  And never has that expression been so appropriate!

Anyway, I've been reminiscing with some old friends this week, and enjoying lot's of Wayne's Blue Margaritas.  I know it will blow a lot of minds to know that Jesus has consumed tequila, but rest assured: I never drive while drunk.

Sitting out there in the desert with my friends, though, that brought back a lot of old memories.  Star-gazing under clear skies and talking about, well, everything.  We covered a lot of ground, solved a lot of the world's problems.  Too bad everyone else in the world wasn't out there with us.

That's always the trouble, you know.  It was that way when I was a kid.  It was a completely different world back then, in ways most people refuse to even think about.  Americans occasionally hear in the news about some brutal backwater in Africa or one of the 'Stans of Central Asia where they cut off female genitalia or blind people for looking at each other funny, but that's closer to what I grew up in than most people care to remember.

We considered ourselves to be pretty "civilized"; we weren't nomads, or bandits.  We spoke Greek and, of course, Hebrew.  We could read, and we knew our history.  We had to by the time we were 12 years old.  No one knew what a "teenager" was back then, but that doesn't mean we didn't have them, and it doesn't mean we didn't do some of the things that teens do now.  In fact, some things were more alike than you think.

It was out there, in the desert, looking up at the stars after several skins of wine that someone started to hum.  You won't believe me, even if you are reading this, and even if you really believe I am who I claim to be; they were humming that Beatles' song.  "Love, love, love..."  I sang it for an English kid named John not too long ago, and he wrote some new English words for it, but the first time I heard it was almost two thousand years ago in the desert near the Sea of Galilee.

I don't remember who the singer was.  It had to have been one of my regular amigos, but who knows which one.  Soon, everyone was singing, and because we didn't have some anal thing against guys dancing, we were dancing, too.  Someone broke out a lute, and after a long jam session, we all fell exhausted to the ground.  As we drifted off, I said, "If only we could convince the world that all you need is love."  That kicked off a long night of serious discussion, and some of what was said that night started everything that came after.

People never believe me when I tell that story, especially not since the late 1960's, but it's true.  I was just a carpenter's apprentice, living out in some shanty desert town, and hanging out with my friends.  We were teenagers, just like teens today, who didn't like the way things were, and wanted to change them.  We wanted a revolution, an excuse to break things down and make them again.  We wanted to take control, and make things safe, and we were starting to resent our parents for not doing the job already.  Sound familiar?

But, we had all been taught respect for our betters, and our betters were the ones who spent their days at hard labor to earn our bread, and keep us clean and healthy and fed.  We didn't want to hurt them.

So, we went into the desert at night, when we couldn't stand it anymore, and we drank too much wine, and sang songs, and dreamt about changing the world.

Which, of course, we did.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004


What are you up to?

So, Mr. Christ, I see you started your little blog, ranted a bit, took a break, and now have disappeared again.

My question is, what is the point of this little exercise? You claim no political motivation, and you obviously don't have any pressing axe to grind. You certainly can't compete with MY media machine, and you haven't said anything interesting enough for me to comment on yet.

I guess you have answered your title question, though: What Would Jesus Blog? Drivel.

Me, I'm on top of the world. I couldn't have asked for a better set up. I'm buying up souls right and left... just look at the pop music charts wherever you may live... I'm driving a great car, and I own BOTH sides of the presidential race! Eat this, Mr. Nader!

Still, I wish we could do a little more with this. Maybe if you start publishing something I can sink my tusks into, we could make this worth reading. If THAT ever happens, I can help out with a little publicizing, you know!

Oh, well. Whenever you get a round 'tuit', as they say.

Time's a wasting. So much to do, and the Devil's in the Details!


Thursday, July 08, 2004


Been Gone Fishin'

Did ya miss me? Here I went and got you all excited about hearing from me all the time, and then I disappear for a week! Well, after going fishing with ol’ Peter Simons from back in the day, I returned to find these in the hotmail box:

Tuesday, 6 July: The Sun is in Cancer, harmonizing with Jupiter. Look for uncontrollable events to suddenly benefit you. Look for anyone who boasts about his or her accomplishments to immediately be asked to prove it.

Wednesday, 7 July: The Sun in Cancer and the Moon in Aries cause an excellent tension to complete a languishing project. You might have to tear something apart in order to finish it.

Wow! Both of those are dead on, again! First, I got this message from my old friend, Beezle:

“Well, just so you know, I plan on watching every word you say and flaming the living crap out of you every chance I get! And don't expect me to help you with your publicity... I'm not as stupid as your followers, trying to ban everything they don't like, and therefore turning it into a media sensation!

Anyway, just stay low profile, and I won't try to get you killed.”

Sounds boastful to me... I won’t ask him to prove it, though. You can all judge him for yourself, as I invited him to post.

As for Wednesday’s prediction, I did have to tear apart an old wardrobe in order to finish it. But since I AM a carpenter, that’s not much of a stretch.

I’m surprised not to see more from Beezle; you usually can’t shut him up. He must really be waiting for me to “open up”. Well, ol’ buddy, that may just happen as I get used to doing this. Maybe if more folks start writing in, I can answer questions. We’ll have a little “Ask Jesus” segment! Since Dear Abby died, maybe y’all will listen more to Me now!

Just joshing. Anyway, as I catch up with the news, I’m sure I’ll be inspired. Maybe we can work up a good old fashioned debate.

Remember, I save!


Sunday, July 04, 2004


Holy Crossfire!!!

Well, well, well.

I have to give JC credit for one thing: He's not afraid of a little competition. Even though I have a lock on every media outlet on the planet, He has graciously offered me a rebuttal on His Blog! Judging by the first couple of posts, you're going to be glad I'm here! I'll offer a "fair and balanced"* counter-weight to Mr. Robes & Sandals that you wouldn't otherwise get!

(*Go ahead and TRY to sue me, FOX. I was the FIRST lawyer!)

So, bring it on, Hippy! This should be over quickly.

Saturday, July 03, 2004


My Horoscope Is Right!?!

“The Full Moon is in Capricorn. It is at its fullest this morning, challenging us all to tow the party line. There will be some tension between new methods of getting things done and the old way of doing things.”

These things have always given me the creeps. I know that they’re purposely vague and written so that the reader subconsciously makes the connection between the “prophecy” and their own lives, but it’s still such a disturbing feeling when they are so dead-on! Maybe that's why Dad hates them!

This one, for example, is the horoscope sent to me by Hotmail. Whoever writes these is obviously clueless (though that doesn’t take away from their value as a person - ‘love thy neighbor’ I always say). The expression “toe the party line”, a foot-racing metaphor. I don’t know where they expect us to “tow” the line; I didn’t know the line could breakdown!

But, like they said, there is some tension between new methods, such as blogging, and the old way of doing things. For me, the old way was wandering through the desert preaching. It’s a very spiritually sound practice with only one drawback: there’s nobody out there! I decided it would be much more effective to do my preaching here.

I consider this my soapbox on my street corner. Yea, there are those who will glance at it as they surf by, and ignore me. There are those that will simply lurk and listen; I hope they take something away with them that helps them. And there are those that will stop and argue - I welcome them. A good lively debate is healthy; a righteous man has nothing to lose in an honest conversation, and if someone is in the wrong, then both stand to gain.

There are probably a lot of people who won’t like what I’m doing. I’m used to that. Whatever you think, and however you decide to approach this, just remember, I only have two rules. It says so in my book. Look up Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:29-30, or Luke 10:26-27. They aren’t that hard, people.

Don't expect miracles. I don't plan on doing anything flashy. I just want a chance to voice my opinions and maybe hear some feedback, just like anybody else.

Oh, and to the person who asked me about my relationship with President Bush, I only have one thing to say: Matthew 15:8 & 9. (But I’m not going to tell you how to vote!)


Thursday, July 01, 2004


Wireless Is Nothing New

Verily, I say unto Thee! Howdy from Pampa Texas!

Okay, maybe not. But I have decided to meet you, my lost sheep, halfway. Wireless connections are nothing new; four thousand years ago we called them "prayers". These days, if it doesn't support those stupid smiley-faces, or if U cnt go w/o ur st%pd IM speak, you aren't interested.

Very well, I will talk to YOU, then.

Here are a few things that have been bothering me lately:

1) Marketing - For every one of you who has a fish, or a bumper sticker with my name on it on your car; for every one of you who has a bracelet, T-Shirt, tattoo, or diamond studded nipple ring with "WWJD" on it, let me answer the burning question:

This Is What Jesus Would Do: Make a whip out of cord and turn you out of the temple! (John 2:15, from my NY Times Bestseller, the Bible!) In other words, I'd kick your butt for spending money that could go to the poor on this junk!

Especially if you drive like a total jerk.

2) Voting - Why does everyone who claims to be my friend think they can tell other people how "I" want them to vote? Just because you wear a dress and a red hat does not make YOU God! Besides, you don't need to drag my name into your politics. Especially if you're one of the smegma-licking low-life scumbags that helped another guy in a dress get away with child molestation by moving him to another town. I don't recall condoning THAT anywhere in my book!

3) Decency - It is my opinion that the FCC should give Janet Jackson $500,000 for making the otherwise pathetic SuperBowl half-time show watchable... if only for a split second. Instead, they should fine Budweiser $500,000 for making a commercial in which a horse farts in some woman's face.

And if you don't want to hear Howard Stern talk about pornographic films, there are other frequencies on the dial. There are also tape decks and Compact Discs, such as those made by the band Cake. (Highly recommended, by the way.)

4) Kevin Smith - I loved Dogma. You know why? Because K.S. wasn't making fun of ME. He was making fun of YOU!

I grow weary for now, and shall rest. I just downloaded some George Carlin material and can't wait to listen to it.

Go in Peace.


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